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Bad start to the day, with That Song (not gonna mention it, title of an entry a day or so ago, haunting me still) blotting everything else out of my mind, leaving me with nowhere hopeful to go. And it was my first art class of a course I've already missed once and I really wanted to go. but couldn't imagine anything more unlikely than facing a group of strangers in a small space.

So from about ten thirty till one, I cried and paced and stomped about and couldn't find a way through - I knew I'd be disappointed with myself if I didn't make it - art classes are good things, they improve life, but you have to sign up for a term, which is what has fucked me up these last few months (or possibly years, can't remember when I last went). In the end I posted this on Tw1tter: "Really struggling, mega anxiety, trying to get to new art class, hate being so mental" and found myself adding this: #dryyoureyesmate, which is the chorus of this song that I don't remember thinking about for at least five years:

Now that I've found a video and listened to it I realise that it's quite a miserable song, so it's strange that it leapt into my mind, or the chorus did, in such a comforting way. It's pushed the other song right out, and now I have that friendly "Dry your eyes, mate," rattling around my head and find that I can actually do things.

I did a bit of "alternate nostril breathing", which I could do every day - very calming and cleansing, then thought about the worst that could happen if I went to art class. Well, apart from the sky falling on our heads and mad stuff like that, the worst is that I have to leave in tears, possibly noisy, gulping, snotty tears. Ach, I've done that before - who cares if a few strangers think I'm mental - I AM fucking mental, and at least I'd have tried.

It was bitterly cold and grey and windy:

but I got to the class and it was fucking fabulous! Aw man, so glad I pushed on through. It's 'Learning to Draw' for beginners or improvers - we had to do some quick sketches today and sign and date them to act as markers for where we are at the end. The teacher believes you need to get in the zone and look carefully, then practise a lot. She's given us homework of spending five minutes drawing the lines on the palm of our hand very slowly, with the paper hidden, so we're just looking at the hand. This is not to generate a good drawing, but to get us 'in the zone' ie with our right brain in charge rather than the left. Then we are to spend ten minutes on a self portrait, looking in a mirror.

So this was the first of my sketches today - of the lad sitting opposite:

Wonderful to spend two hours drawing, but exhausting. I gave myself permission to do fuck all for the rest of the day.

I am grateful for: the self-knowledge I have accumulated, which does kick in eventually; an art class round the corner; a warm home; a new ear-worm; a warm bed

Sweet dreams xx

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