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I feel better after having written this, and had a huge big cry, and I thought of deleting it but I'm not going to. And I'm not going to be grateful tonight though I am, of course I know it could be worse that it is worse for many many people, but I can't and I'm not

I don't know how people do this. Not with this distance. I can understand that if it's a younger child, an actual child rather than an adult daughter, it would be more possible to live in the moment. It is much better when I'm with ED but I can't be with her often enough, for long enough without unravelling due to being away from home where everything else is difficult as well as the wheelchair and the van and seven different brakes and straps and her not saying a fucking word, not a single fucking word, that's the killer, I have no fucking idea how she is, what she's thinking, I have zero capacity to chat along to her like you see people doing on the telly, it's all I can do to not just sit down and HOWL like a motherfucker until somebody makes it better because it hurts too much and there's nowhere to put all this stuff because it's too much for people, cunts, they can walk away and they do or I tell them to fuck off. Not in words, just in my mind but they can hear it.

And it's all bloody loss isn't it? I feel like I'm losing this blog because it's bad enough living through most days without revisiting it later

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