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It would be so cool to be able to write that I'm feeling better, coming out the other side, the worst is over, blah blah blah, but truth is I'm scared shitless of how emotionally unstable and disconnected to reality I've become. E.g. since my last post here I've fretted quite often about having forgotten to include that I brought with me a pile of unread newspapers, along with the wool and all the blankets and the floor-length summer dresses. Because... I don't even know, it's all just a big distraction, I do know that. I'm either distracting myself with stupid irrelevancies, or I'm being vile to Bloke (a lot of the time I sincerely believe he's deliberately trying to make me mental for his own purposes), or I'm telling strangers that my daughter is dying.

I went back to the house yesterday, after doing yoga and having acupuncture, which calmed me down. As soon as I arrived at the house I could feel a sickening thud thud thud in my chest and my body started folding over to try and become as small as possible, take up less space, become less noticeable. I sat outside in the car for ages, but made myself go in, and I can't even write any more, as I'm starting to panic just thinking of it.

I'm making my way to the front of the queue to see someone on the mental health team - I keep having assessments and being passed along - but there have been massive staff cuts under this government, so it's a slow process. I could probably get seen quicker if I made a serious suicide bid, but quite possibly not, so I'm trying not to as it would upset the children who a) aren't actually children any more and/but b) are upset enough already.

I was like this with my first breakdown back in 2001 - obsessive thoughts that I kind of knew were mad and mental and nonsensical but which I still could not control. These aren't as dangerous as those were - I'm still too ashamed to say what they were, which gives long term readers a clue as I'm pretty shameless in what I will admit to, but it's early days and I don't know where this will end. I've crossed county borders and am no longer entitled to see the team that have been so helpful in the past. I try and remember what I learned from them but it is SO FUCKING TIRING to be keeping myself back on track again and again and again and I'm scared I'll just have to let go and then where will I be, where will we all be?

But I am still trying now, today, this evening. I am grateful for: my lovely YD; icy cold winds, blowing some sense into me (perhaps); a healthy body; a table with my laptop on; books


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