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So I went to the place and the woman helped me do the benefit form, with all the awful questions about what I'm like at my worst with the anxiety and the depression, and I was honest despite the shame and the humiliation (yes, sometimes I do wear the same clothes day and night for a week, and yes, I can be quite smelly - Bloke will do food shopping and cooking but that's where he draws the line), and then, as we're finishing she notices my address on the front page of the form and fuck me, but she lives a minute away from me. So glad I didn't launch into my rant about what a shit-hole it is, she's lived here for twenty years so presumably likes it. Awful though, and quite a shock as it's meant to be anonymous. She wrote the answers on bits of paper so I have to copy them onto the real form - I'm not done with it yet.

And, listen to this. Fucking Facebook and its helpful suggestions, honestly. I've just about recovered from being asked if I'd like to be friends with (one of) the guy(s) who raped me when I was a teenager passed out cold, and now here's the woman who fucked my husband when I was very pregnant with Son, giving both husband and then me a dose of the clap, necessitating repeated visits to the VD clinic (as it was then called) with a great big pregnant belly, sitting in the waiting room, bursting with FUCKING FURY and no thanks, facebook, I don't want to be friends with her and I didn't want to be reminded of her and maybe now I'll be able to forget her for another thirty years. Yes, he was a class act, that husband.

OK, bed time. I'm trying to not think too much about all the awfulness that has happened (not this above, I mean with my daughters), and all the worse stuff that might be lurking around the corner, because I have done over a week of utter despair and I can't live there. It does keep leaping up and grabbing me, which is probably good as repressing it won't do me any favours either, but if I want to survive I have to find a way of not focusing on it.

So, gratitudes: I am alive; my children are all alive; we have homes; we are loved; we know where are next meal is coming from, all of which is more than many and I am truly grateful.

Hope you are all as well as can be - thank you so much for comments and notes. Hugs xxxxx

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