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So I was right to not get my hopes up. ED is getting better in the short term but is likely to get this again and again. We have been advised to liaise with the hospice, to form an end of life plan. They aren't expecting her to keel over immediately - they're talking about her coming back into hospital in six weeks to have the stent replaced, but still.

She was asleep most of today so I just sat with her, doing my knitting (scarf for YD, keeping it simple), watching her breath going in and out, in and out.

If I still lived in my old flat I reckon I'd walk down the road now and get a box of chicken wings.

The woman across the ward from ED has special needs - she looks around forty, but a visitor was reading 'The Ugly Duckling' to her from a picture book and her bed is full of cuddly toys. Her visitors were creepy, two women, like mirror images of each other - one with grey hair, a black top and pale trousers, the other with black hair, a pale top and dark trousers, too fussy over the patient in a loud, performance-y style - a bit local shop for local people. When the meal was brought round (for the patient), the dark-haired one scarfed down the lot in a couple of minutes. I hadn't been watching to see if the patient was offered any, but if she was, she wasn't given much of a chance to change her mind.

There's a programme called Fleabag YD and I watched on catch-up in our separate homes. It's a comedy about a woman mad with grief. Very soothing.

I never remember to read the whole month of photo-a-day prompts, which can be annoying. Tomorrow's is 'yum' and only the other day I used an overhead shot of my lemon and lime possett for 'circle', which would have been perfect as it was indeed delicious. I had many options for circle but now I feel I must find or make something 'yum' to eat tomorrow and that feels like a chore, a burden. I'm not in the market for much in the way of pleasure - well, maybe I am. I just can't think of anything other than lemon and lime possett but it is late.

I am trying to adhere to these principles as we move forward over the next part of our lives.

1. Keep up the self-care. Yoga, Headspace, painting, photo-a-day and walking. Without these I will fall into the pit and maybe never come out. There will be time for that later, but not now.

2. I do not give a fuck what anyone thinks about what I say or do apart from ED, YD, Son and GS. I do care about them - I don't want to be making it worse for any of them, but everyone else can jog on. (sorry)

3. It's bloody half past one. This has taken two and a quarter hours. I must have drifted off at times...

I am grateful for: the nhs; nurses; doctors; hospices; cleaners. And comments and notes. I love comments and notes.

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