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I lost the plot today, found myself weeping in my car, parked outside the station - not even parked, just stopped at an angle, undone, too much. Interestingly, in retrospect I can recognise behaviour that I've been asked about at benefits assessments - how do you respond when plans change? Depends - sometimes it all just jumps around in my brain shouting at me, 'Lunch at 4 - don't bring Bloke'
'Lunch now (at 2), WHY HAVE YOU EATEN ALREADY??'
'Come round later!'
'Now!' @
'Well fuck off then and don't come!'

Angry people, everyone disappointed in me, nowhere safe to go, no one to help me. I don't know where to go, who to call, how to get through the next minute.

For quite a few minutes, I don't know how many, then I felt exhausted and a bit shamefaced ended up on the beach, in the right place for the tide (ie low tide, not where there are slimy sea-weedy rocks, but hard sand), back into a bit of stunned self-care.

ED looked so much better today, lying in her bed, with her face all fresh and sweet, it broke my heart. They're probably going to discharge her tomorrow, back to the care home, and I will be glad. There are too many staff in hospitals, on an endless wheel of changing shifts. The doctors and nurses work long, long hours and are fabulous, the auxilary staff not so much - there never seems to be a face you've seen before and none of them read the 'Care Passport' which details how ED communicates and other important stuff. One of them got really officious with me yesterday about me being there outside of visiting hours, ordering me to leave the ward at once, as if it was her front room I was sitting in and not at all impressed or interested that ED's Dr had specified that I be allowed to come and go whenever I wanted. I didn't take any notice whatsoever and the stupid woman eventually came back with a Visiting Permit which no one else has wanted to even glance at. I could feel a massive rage rising in me and the urge to bellow at her that she was just a fucking food server and bed maker and she could FUCK OFF speaking to patients' family members like that, but I didn't. She was the only bad one, I know, the rest were all good, but she's tainted that green uniform for me now.

Ah, it's been hard at that level as well, just the day to day of ED being in hospital, no matter the prognosis - she's so vulnerable and unable to defend herself. They don't ask her properly if she's in pain, if she needs pain-killers.

Ach it's late again.

I also had a big row with Bloke about the fact that he'd arranged for building work to start here tomorrow. because, yeah, that never adds any stress.


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